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Just last week I rail-roaded my way through my presentation to a bunch of senior techi-type engineers. Yeah, I paused when I knew I needed to, but honestly, the whole 30 minutes was a total car crash and not in slow motion either.My reflection got me thinking, there’s a common misconception floating around that mindfulness is about not crying, not experiencing emotion, or avoiding the intensity of life’s ups and downs. Some people believe mindfulness is about staying in a perpetual state of nothingness, akin to nirvana—an unattainable state for most of us.&nbsp;<h3>Mindfullness - a perfect impermanence, not!</h3> This notion suggests that mindfulness is about ridding oneself of emotions, avoiding thoughts, and not breaking down when bad experiences happen. It’s the idea that there’s a perfect impermanence, where you’re not drawn into the emotions of any situation, thought, or experience. Being present is seeing the moment for what it is; warts and all. Unlike me, last week.This idea is more of our Western society’s version of being present, rather than what mindfulness truly is. Presence, as suggested by Eckhart Tolle, is about seeing the space between the contributing factors of the moment - our thoughts, emotions, and our experiences. And what we are doing. Even if that space is just a tiny moment, a millisecond in time, we are then free. We have presence, a gravitas.&nbsp;The goal then becomes to create more of these milliseconds, which, like anything (if we pay attention often enough), become cumulative. They turn into seconds, minutes, hours, days, months, and so on. But mindfulness isn’t really about achieving a goal or getting somewhere. It’s about noticing those spaces and the emotional experiences we go through in any given situation or circumstance.It is noticing my rail-roading MO in presentation, and responding to this in a useful way, for me and the people I am talking to. Changing it. #Ididn't<h3>The True Essence of Mindfulness</h3> Mindfulness is not about emotional detachment or living in a state of perpetual calm. It’s about awareness of my awareness, and through this, acceptance. So for me, last week, noticing my MO and choosing to do something about it. Although, I did nothing about it. That's choice in and of itself. Not a useful one.&nbsp;Jon Kabat-Zinn, a pioneer of mindfulness in the West, defines it as “paying attention in a particular way: on purpose, in the present moment, and nonjudgmentally.” This means being fully aware of your awareness of what’s happening inside us—our thoughts, feelings, and bodily sensations—and around us - the things we and others are doing, without trying to suppress or deny them; using them as signposts.<h3>How many of us truly notice the moment</h3> Often, when I work with global leaders in my coaching practice, I ask, “So, John, what did you do well? What did you notice?” The initial response is usually, “Well, I’m not sure. I just did it.” My follow-up is always, “How are you going to make any changes or step things up if you don’t notice? If you mindlessly continue on?”Over time, with the right questions and support, they begin to see what they’re doing. They start to notice their emotions, thoughts, and experiences, and how these impact them in the moment. Eventually, they begin to see the potential impact they have on their audiences.<h3>The Psychology Behind Mindfulness</h3> So of course me being me, I like to look at things from several angles. From a psychological perspective, mindfulness involves several key components:1. Awareness: The foundation of mindfulness. It involves being conscious of our thoughts, emotions, and physical sensations and what we are doing and saying, in the present moment. And we know (maybe theoretically) that this awareness allows us to recognise patterns in our behaviour and responses.2. Acceptance: Mindfulness teaches us to accept our thoughts and feelings without judgment. Hmm tricky, at times, I know. But this acceptance is crucial for emotional regulation. And not rail-roading an audience of techi-engineers. We can choose, to notice and make the changes we want in each moment.3. Non-judgment: This is about observing our experiences without labelling (oops the latter happens all too often) them as good or bad. It helps in reducing the internal struggle we often have with our thoughts and emotions. By the way, I have no more judgment of last week's presentation. 🤣4. Non-reactivity: Mindfulness helps create a space between our experiences and reactions. This space allows us to choose our responses more thoughtfully rather than reacting impulsively. And so the point remains; my choices last week were mindless (I'm not judging, just saying).<h3>Practical Application of Mindfulness</h3> I am always about "the how," which must be the teacher in me. So how can we apply mindfulness in our daily lives, especially in high-stress situations like public speaking?1. Preparation: Doh! I know this one is the proverbial teaching you to suck eggs. But honestly, before a public speaking engagement (whether 5 minutes, or 10 minutes or a whole day thing), take time to prepare. I'll create a post on powerful prep techniques. Watch this space!2. During your talk: As you speak, pay attention to your body sensations, thoughts, and emotions. Notice if your heart rate increases or if your hands start to tremble. Instead of trying to suppress these sensations, acknowledge them. You might think, “I’m feeling nervous, and that’s okay.” Also, pay attention to how you are coming across. Be open to changing things up. In other words, don't be a rail-roader like I was last week.3. Pause: Don’t be afraid to take a moment to pause. Silence is as powerful as all your knowledge and expertise. Pausing gives you moments to collect your thoughts and bring your focus back to the present. And gives them time to digest what you've said.4. Post-talk reflection: After your talk, take some time to reflect on what happened. Ask yourself these 3 questions: "What did I do well and should do more of next time?" "What could I do to improve next time?" and "What am I grateful for in myself?" See, you have to pay attention. We must be present.<h3>Mindfulness is not about perfection</h3> It’s about progress and growth. By being mindful, we become more attuned to our inner and outer experiences. It's emotional intelligence in action.&nbsp;The journey of becoming ever-more aware is continuous. It’s not about achieving a state of constant calm or emotional neutrality. That, I'd say is not human. It’s about embracing the full spectrum of human experience with awareness and acceptance.&nbsp;It’s about noticing those tiny spaces between our thoughts and emotions, and gradually expanding them.In the words of Jon Kabat-Zinn, “You can’t stop the waves, but you can learn to surf.” Being present is about learning to surf the waves of our thoughts, emotions and experiences and finding peace and presence in the midst of it all.&nbsp;And not rail-roading a group of people listening to you speak about being present. 😂🤣

Rail-roading my presentation: Embracing Emotions in the Present Moment

Have you ever found yourself tangled up in the web of trying to control every aspect of your life? I have!&nbsp;The idea of control is a tantalising concept that's often purported as the key to success and happiness. Spoiler alert: It's not all it's cracked up to be.<h3>The Great Control Myth</h3> I have heard (haven't we all?) the advice a million times: "Focus on what you can control and let go of what you can't." Sounds great, right? A self-help mantra that’s supposed to bring peace and order to our chaotic lives. But the kicker for me – what can we actually control?&nbsp;The answer is a bit disappointing when we dig into it.Think about your thoughts and feelings. Can you control them? Not really. If you’ve ever tried to stop thinking about something, you know that often leads to thinking about it even more.&nbsp;Our emotions are even more slippery, popping up uninvited and often sticking around longer than we’d like.<h3>Influence vs. Control</h3> Now, don’t get me wrong. While we might not have control, we do have influence. An important distinction. I can influence the outcome of a meeting by preparing well and showing up with a positive attitude. I can influence my client's decisions by providing excellent service and building a good reputation.&nbsp;But at the end of the day, I can't control the final result.Yesterday I was helping a client prepare for a very important fire-side on Wednesday. We rehearsed how she might answer the questions, exploring her intent, her CTA (what she wanted the audience to think, feel or do), the feeling she wanted to convey; everything.I finished with the proverbial line: "Remember let go of the desire to control."<h3>The Delusion of Control</h3> The notion that we can control certain things is, in itself, a delusion. It’s a comforting thought that we can bend the world to our will, but reality always has other plans.&nbsp;This delusion is often sold to us as a way to gain value, confidence, or a sense of direction. However, the truth is, we’re constantly navigating through a sea of uncertainties.Take business planning, for instance. We make decisions based on assumptions and predictions, but these are just educated guesses. Perhaps well-educated. Sure, we may have had years and years of experience. But we really don't know what the market will do, how competitors will react, or what new challenges might arise.&nbsp;Because the alternative to the idea of control is uncertainty; the unknown. A black hole of nothingness. And we have led ourselves to believe this is scary.<h3>Acceptance: The Key to Freedom</h3> But it doesn't have to feel this way. What’s the alternative? Acceptance. Accepting that we are not in control can be incredibly liberating.&nbsp;This doesn't mean giving up or resigning ourselves to fate. Acceptance is about acknowledging reality as it is, without the need to bend it to our will.When I have embraced this mindset, I have reduced stress, anxiety and overwhelm. And produced better results. No longer obsessed with trying to control the uncontrollable.&nbsp;Isn't it ironic that there’s so much advice about letting go of control, yet it’s something we can't really control either? The whole process of trying to let go can itself become a new form of control. It’s like telling someone to relax – it usually has the opposite effect!The trick is to stop striving for control altogether. Accept the messiness of life. Embrace the uncertainty. When we do this, we stop wasting energy on the impossible task of controlling everything and start living more authentically.<h3> Living with Intent</h3> I suggest, living with intent is different from trying to control everything. Intent is about how you decide to show up in the world. It's about your values, your actions, and your mindset. While you can't control the outcomes, you can choose how you engage with life.Intent can guide your actions without the pressure of control. Whether you’re in a business meeting, giving a talk, or simply living your daily life, acting with intent means you’re purposeful, even when the results are out of your hands.<h3>Embrace the Chaos</h3> Life is unpredictable, and that's what makes it exciting. Instead of clinging to the illusion of control, let's embrace the chaos.&nbsp;Let's influence what we can accept what we can't, and live with intent and authenticity.&nbsp;In doing so, we might just find ourselves less stressed, more connected, and ultimately happier.&nbsp;So, here's to accepting the wild ride of life and enjoying every unexpected turn along the way!

The Illusion of Control: Embracing the Chaos

During a recent yoga and meditation residential retreat last week in Spain, I was overwhelmed by an intense desire to leave.I was in this beautiful idyllic location about an hour from Barcelona. In the mountains, and pool, no one about apart from the people on the retreat. Sunshine galore!&nbsp;And yet I wanted to run - anything to escape. I felt like I didn't belong, like I was in over my head. The experience was almost suffocating, and I could feel the "flight" part of the fight-or-flight response kicking in.&nbsp;It wasn't just a fleeting thought; it was a visceral, compelling urge to flee.<h3>A strong sense of emotional avoidance</h3> Emotional avoidance is central to Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT). Emotional avoidance occurs when we try to escape or suppress unpleasant thoughts, emotions, or sensations.&nbsp;ACT posits that this avoidance only intensifies our distress over time, trapping us in a cycle of resistance. I felt trapped. My instinct to run was a classic manifestation of emotional avoidance; my mind was telling me that the only way to relieve the discomfort was to leave the situation entirely.Yet, despite every fibre of my being screaming to get out, I chose to stay. I went to the afternoon session that day. I tried my utmost to observe my thoughts and feelings as they were, without trying to change or escape them. Letting them pass like waves rather than running from them.&nbsp;We know this as “cognitive diffusion” in ACT, we see our thoughts and feelings as just that - thoughts and feelings, rather than absolute truths that dictate our actions.<h3>Psychologists call this ‘exposure’</h3>The emotion was raw, like a vice grip on my chest, and a horrid sickening in my stomach.&nbsp;But hell, what on earth was going to happen? I wasn’t in any danger. Yet, by staying with it and allowing myself to experience the discomfort fully, I was ‘exposing’, a process of facing our fears in a controlled way to reduce their power over us.Something incredible happened after I chose to ride the waves, to weather the storm of my internal resistance. I emerged on the other side with a sense of freedom and liberation. There was a newfound attitude of "I can" or "I will." Not that I lacked a positive attitude toward life before, but this was different. It was as if a deep peace and joy had settled into me - a real, profound sense of contentment. It is still with me, over a week on.<h3>I am now at the stage of ‘cognitive reappraisal’</h3> A key strategy in emotional regulation involves cognitive reappraisal - changing the way we interpret a situation to alter its emotional impact. By staying with my emotions rather than fleeing, I was able to reinterpret the discomfort not as something to be avoided, but as a necessary and valuable part of my growth process.I began to see the challenge not as a wall but as a door.<h3>Moving through the resistance</h3> I know we know this, but the truth is all that resistance was entirely in my head. This realisation is ‘meta-cognitive awareness’, which involves recognising that our thoughts are not always accurate reflections of reality.We often hear that the mind can create as much suffering as any real-world problem or trauma we face.And there is a psychology to the joy and positive experience that comes from moving through the muck, the treacle, of our thoughts and fears.By facing the discomfort head-on, by confronting the thoughts that tell us to run away, we open ourselves to a different perspective. This is the essence of what ACT refers to as ‘psychological flexibility’ - the ability to stay present, embrace discomfort, and take committed action aligned with our values.On the other side of that door is something unexpected - growth, peace, a sense of liberation.It’s a reminder that sometimes the greatest struggles are ones we create in our minds, and the greatest triumphs come from simply moving through them.And my downward-dog is utterly brilliant now.

Moving Through Resistance

Female speaker giving a presentation during business seminar at convention center.

Effective public speaking (aka communication) is a vital skill, essential for building meaningful connections and business growth.The way we communicate (more importantly the way we make people feel) can significantly affect how others perceive us and how well we are able to connect with them. And therefore, sell an idea, product or service.The other day I was texting a friend, and the conversation went like this:“No-one wealthy made money because they could public speak.”“Possibly.”“What matters is not if someone can speak, but if they have something to say.”I couldn’t agree more with this. The world is full of people trying to make it, and spend money on learning to speak, but if they have nothing to say, it won’t make one iota of a difference.I continued the conversation with:“Yes you ought to have something to say. But when speaking, the way you make people in the room feel is what makes the difference between telling them about your idea, product or service or them ‘buy it’.”I call this connection.<h3>We all can make people feel something… </h3>Most of our lives, including when “we are public speaking” we are unconscious of the way we make people feel. Think about it.&nbsp;When you’re having an argument (a discussion😁) with a loved one, we pay little (if any) attention to how they are feeling. And the degree to which we influence those feelings (with what and how are speaking to them).&nbsp;The same goes for public speaking.<h3>So what is it?</h3>Its conscious consciousness driven by empathy. Not rocket science.Empathy, at its core, is the ability to understand and share the feelings of others. When we practice empathy in communication, we not only listen to words but also tune into the emotions and experiences behind them.This allows us to respond in a way that shows we genuinely care and understand.We know people are more likely to feel valued and understood when they feel you are genuinely connected with their emotions.<h3>Ignoring all this ‘be kind’ malarkey </h3>We live in a world where everyone is told to be kind. And yet there is so much unkindness everywhere.If we just took the time to be more deliberate in our conversation, pitches, public speaking scenarios. More conscious. We would recognise how we are impacting each other.We would notice how we were making one another feel. This is the heart of connection.<h3>Using relevant emotion to connect </h3>In other words, when a speaker uses relevant emotions (relevant to the message being delivered, the audience he or she is speaking to and relevant to them, the speaker) he connects with the audience.He makes them experience something other than the words. This is the art of effective public speaking. And will change the world.When we communicate with empathy, and we ignore all this ‘be kind’ malarkey, we make the other person feel heard; they experience an emotion. They may not recognise it.They may just acknowledge what they see or hear, for example “oh wow he is a great speaker.” Or “yes that’s a brilliant idea.”What they usually have is an intellectual interpretation of an emotional experience. And that’s great. And the world of business, and life has been built on this. But there is more. There is more to us.True empathy is ensuring your words resonate deeply. You then connect.<h3>Meaningful conversations and business growth</h3>Imagine getting an audience to see; to know how they feel in a moment.Imagine influencing how your audience feels about you and what you are saying. And you being able to consciously influence how they feel; what they experience.We are more likely to feel valued and understood when we know the speaker is connecting with us.That said, it’s much trickier to do whilst texting. We’re all so much better in person.

Kindness sucks, empathy rules

This week I presented to a group of CEOs and MDs from Bath, Bristol and beyond. I had on what I call my Madonna mic. It’s not really a thing, but it is for me! #StrikeAPoseThe brief: give them something to think about.So I did…I said:“Throughout history, humans have consistently strived to control situations, innovate, and better themselves and their environment. This relentless effort has significantly transformed our world and the way we live, enhancing our rivers, lands, businesses and livelihoods and societies.Yet, this progress has brought us to a point where we now question the sustainability of these advancements and the survival of the human race.<h3>Become comfortable with uncertainty </h3>James Humes said, “The art of communication is the language of leadership.”Change is inevitable or indeed the only certainty is uncertainty. We know this in business. We can do all the market research and analysis ever needed. Collect all the data we can find, but we still make assumptions.We really can’t predict the future. This may change with AI. But us humans, I believe, will remain pretty unpredictable. Isn’t that the very essence of us?<h3>Become comfortable with uncertainty</h3>When it comes to speaking, our market analysis is best implemented through awareness of our awareness; mindfulness, and embracing the inevitable; the change. The moment-to-moment happenings. When we do, we master the language of leadership.We know public speaking (whether to 1 or 1000) inherently involves a degree of uncertainty. No matter how thoroughly I have prepared for today, I cannot control every aspect of what happens. Not least of all your reactions to me speaking. The technical issues (like the PowerPoint not working earlier and me having to “wing it” now). Or even my own spontaneous thoughts and feelings which are coming and go all the time, whilst speaking to you.And yet, we seek to control these uncontrollable things. Like we do in our lives and business.<h3>Become comfortable with uncertainty</h3>It’s like trying to stop yourself thinking of an elephant, when you’re asked to not think of an elephant.But by becoming comfortable with uncertainty, I unlock a more dynamic and responsive style. Whether you like me or what I am saying and how I am saying it, I can’t control. In my mind, I let go of my attachment to what I believe I ought to do and say. I am free from the relentless pursuit of improvement. I allow the change to happen. And I respond.Just to be clear, I am not saying improvement is bad. I am saying we keep taking the horse to water, but we can’t make it drink. Well, what if we are the horse?<h3>Become comfortable with uncertainty</h3>When we truly embody each moment; we are (I am) fully present. How? By simply noticing. Which is the opposite of going “full-steam ahead with my prep — saying everything I wanted to say.” The pursuit of evermore improvement. Doing more. Saying more. Being more.When I become comfortable with uncertainty I see my mindfulness in action — being aware of my awareness with acceptance. For me, here today in front of you wonderfully successful people, it helps me manage nerves and self-criticism, often my biggest hurdles.Consequently, I am able to connect more with what I am saying and how I am communicating it, and this in turn means I connect genuinely with some of you, because you feel something. And then think something.<h3>Become comfortable with uncertainty</h3>The Awakened leader points the way but we have to still drink. That job is our own. Things can be pointed out to us, but unless we take them to heart, examine them carefully, test them respectfully , digest them thoroughly, and make them come alive in our life. We communicate (we live and lead) by numbers. There’s no art to that.We must make the right effort ourselves. We are the thirsty horse. The horse is going to drink. But first the horse must recognise that it is water. That it is something easily in reach, that he needs. Otherwise he will waste away even while he stands at the water trough.Our ignorance is such that most of us don’t realise we’re thirsty. Or if we realise we’re thirsty, we look for water in the wrong place.We must first see what we can control and what we can’t. Otherwise, we’ll waste our efforts in trying to do the impossible while ignoring what is easily within reach.When we see, this moment as it is we have a presence. We have presence. And communicate in a way that directs our energies rightly. We become comfortable with uncertainty.Then we can improve what needs to be better, and let go of what doesn’t.That’s okay, more than okay; it is the art of communication. The language of leadership.That, is freedom.”

Becoming comfortable with uncertainty…is true freedom

Eckhart Tolle profoundly expressed, "Whatever the present moment contains, embrace it as though you consciously selected it. Engage harmoniously with it, rather than in opposition. Foster a rapport with it, rather than treating it as your enemy. This approach will remarkably transform your entire existence." My take on this sentiment underscores that acceptance brings clarity to our lived experiences. However, this stream of acceptance flows seamlessly only with an astute presence of mind. <h3 class="reader-text-block__heading2">This insight is profoundly resonant in the realm of public speaking...</h3>In my two-decade-long journey assisting numerous senior leaders, the hallmark of a distinguished speaker is their nuanced understanding of the essence of moment-to-moment awareness and their wholehearted acceptance of the present. We cannot truly grasp the essence of acceptance if we are perpetually in a state of dissatisfaction with our fleeting emotions and feelings. Continual self-doubt—wondering if my choice of words is precise, pondering the efficacy of my narrative technique, or incessantly seeking validation from the audience—effectively positions us at odds with our own essence. <h3 class="reader-text-block__heading2">True acceptance starts with an inward journey...</h3>A journey anchored in a non-judgmental acknowledgment of the resistances we've accumulated. Our resistance often manifest as ingrained conditioning and belief systems. Complete acceptance is driven by the ability to see, pay attention. Through focused attention, the genuine liberation of letting go emerges. The root of our distorted perception of reality is an underlying insecurity in our thought processes. This insecurity impedes our potential to be captivating speakers. An unwillingness to embrace the reality of the moment inundates our mind while speaking, leading us down the labyrinth of self-doubt and distraction. It’s akin to a novice tennis player being overly analytical with each stroke, thereby missing the innate beauty and joy of the game. The pleasure of the present moment. Life, in its immediate reality. <h3 class="reader-text-block__heading2">We often become ensnared in a quest for self-comprehension</h3>How to excel in public speaking, how to present our authentic selves. This entrenched pursuit, while profound, often remains enigmatic. My mission has always been to guide leaders in relinquishing these deep-seated attachments. Unwavering acceptance creates a chasm between us and the internal monologues that often dictate our approach to public speaking. <h3 class="reader-text-block__heading2">How do we achieve this?</h3>The answer lies in introspection. A vigilant self-awareness of our tendencies towards resistance, avoidance, and overindulgence in entrenched habits brings to light the realisation that distractions arise primarily from our inability to accept ourselves unconditionally.

Blog

Rail-roading my presentation: Embracing Emotions in the P...

The Illusion of Control: Embracing the Chaos

Moving Through Resistance

Kindness sucks, empathy rules

Becoming comfortable with uncertainty…is true freedom

Echoing the Now: How Awareness Amplifies Your Public Spea...